I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Fuck me I smell like cheese
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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