I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
