just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
