i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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