R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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