That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
