Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He better not be in your backpack
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
