I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
