I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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