I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i dont even know how to be here
His hands were made for my vagina.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
