she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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