Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
