I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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