What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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