3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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