Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
you didnt know i had herpes?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
