Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
