The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
