I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
