No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
