nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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