I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
