Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
