Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
