Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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