good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Randomize
