i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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