I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
