mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
The Olympian is in my bed
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
