She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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