i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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