Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
