i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
