I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
