I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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