if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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