At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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