You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
