R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
