you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
