you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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