she woke up with a sticky ear
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i just made my gag reflex go away.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
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