For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
