guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
