Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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