every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
