either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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