Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
