we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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