Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
