at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
