Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
