The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
