I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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