I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
