I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
